whats the difference...

somedays i think i have what it takes. but mostly i just...

3:19 a.m. in the downstairs den of sin, or noel's bedroom. not nearly as dark as the old bat cave. but hey new director new vision, gotta change things up from time to time. my day started earlier then usual at the crack of 10:30 in time to pack, and last minute nescecities for the trip. my love was my chauffeur en route to the air port. i was very glad to spend the night with her, and have her drive me and send me off. as if nothing was wrong between us. two quick flights and i arrive in the district of columbia. even though i've been before, it felt as if i had never been before. which is obvious becuase i was very little not ablt to care or remember my surroundings. i'd love to sit and write about everything that happened today, but theres really only one thing i'd like to touch on, and its not too much but just something that i saw that paused my mind for a minute, it was when i was with noel in a lesbian bar, and right behind the dj was an amreican flag, but rather the traditional red and white stripes it was the technicolor scale that we've grown to recognize as the gay symbol. i don't really know what i thought of, i just know it was odd and surreal to me. being in the nations capitol and to see something that to many different people would be considered disgracful and unpatriotic, and at the same moment being surrounded by so many women that all didn't actually want to get with me. not a single one of them. it was a rather humbling moment. not that i think i'm the shit at all by any means, but to know that no matter what, i stood not a single chance with any of these girls. so i think thats all i got for now. i must retire. my asain princess is asleep in her bed. it almost feels like i'm not even here. but i'm so glad that i am.

its hard to be positive. i don't know if its a nature or nuture thing, but for some reason i manage to be so synical without end. i'm not saying that i don't find the beauty in things, but more so i think i see the death and destruction of everyday life and culture that surrounds me. and its hard to let it get you down. depression finds me everyday. sometimes its in the music that i see and hear all fucking day. the shit people play on the touch tunes, or the music videos i see late at night, the shitty ass bands getting signed to the same label that i should be signed to right now. or sometimes its in my girlfriend, and the way i'm scared that i don't love her as much as i want to. its even in the easy cake job i have. but that job is not me. my friends and people that know me through place know me as a bartender. i don't want that. i want people to know me as a musician, a song writer, a lyricist, a singer, an idealist, a compassionate, a lover, a doer, and a reader. i know that last one is anti-climatic but i want that too. i want to stimulate. i want to impress. i want to live in a city that never sleeps. but i'm so afraid to go and do something, becuase i don't know how. and when i don't know how i don't do. with everything. if i get asked to clean out the closet at work, idon't know how, because things like, "well should i throw this out or keep this?" "do they want this here or up there?" get in the way. i'm alsways asking questions. figureing out how to do it. what do they want me to do. how should i go about doing it. and this is what keeps me here. keeps me sleeping all day and up all night. keeps me not moving, keeps me not living how i want to. but i know i'm capable. i'm human. and human beings are so much more capable than we give ourselves credit for. i believe the really great people know that: johnny cash, the beatles, napolean, alexander the great, jesus, bono. and the thing about these people is they've all started out just like me. at some point they were all small town nobodies, working dead end jobs, living at home, trying to make a living or just living. but what was it? what was the moment, that last straw the broke the back of complacence. i am not comfortably numb, i am the opposite. i am uncomfortably numb. but this can't be where it ends. even though i don't know how, i have to take those steps towards my passion, my goals, my desires and dreams. its a funny things dreams. we have these visions and ideas of what we want to be and we call them dreams as if they're surreal and unatanable. but they're possible. all is possible.

well i set this thing up to try and jot down some of my thoughts, but for the past 30 mintues i was fotunate enough to entertain my roomates (mainly gavin), by letting them watch pornucopia. we sit/lay on my mishaped, sunken in joke of a mattress and watch the steamy hot very informative action. the way i see it, i become the buffer zone for both of them. see for gavin its okay to watch it, since he's not gonna beat off with me there, and for ashley she gets a little glimpse at what her man, well all men for that matter, are so turned on by. and maybe, juuuuuuuuuust maybe, they get alitle aroused together and maybe go fuck eachother like never before. and if the answer then is infact C, well then, you're welcome.

if i could actually enjoy sleeping while i'm asleep, then i wouldn't stay up so late all the time. at least i think. you see i enjoy relaxing, doing nothing and just laying and watching a movie. and i love sleep. but i don't enjoy it. obviously i'm not happy when i'm asleep. right? i'm asleep. how can i be enjoying it? i don't know what i'm tryiing to say, i mean i do, but i'm not to sure why i'm even saying. i think its because i actually am tired, and i need to actually go to sleep. but don't be fooled. as much as i'm looking forward to resting, i will not be enjoying any minute of it. thats why waking up sucks so much. you fall sleep exhausted and next thing you know you wake up where you left off. wait. what? what just happened? i know i like sleeping, but i don't feel like that was fun or relaxing. if i go back to sleep will i like it this time? nope. fuck! okay its officially time for bed. goodnight. i'll see you right where i left you.