its hard to be positive. i don't know if its a nature or nuture thing, but for some reason i manage to be so synical without end. i'm not saying that i don't find the beauty in things, but more so i think i see the death and destruction of everyday life and culture that surrounds me. and its hard to let it get you down. depression finds me everyday. sometimes its in the music that i see and hear all fucking day. the shit people play on the touch tunes, or the music videos i see late at night, the shitty ass bands getting signed to the same label that i should be signed to right now. or sometimes its in my girlfriend, and the way i'm scared that i don't love her as much as i want to. its even in the easy cake job i have. but that job is not me. my friends and people that know me through place know me as a bartender. i don't want that. i want people to know me as a musician, a song writer, a lyricist, a singer, an idealist, a compassionate, a lover, a doer, and a reader. i know that last one is anti-climatic but i want that too. i want to stimulate. i want to impress. i want to live in a city that never sleeps. but i'm so afraid to go and do something, becuase i don't know how. and when i don't know how i don't do. with everything. if i get asked to clean out the closet at work, idon't know how, because things like, "well should i throw this out or keep this?" "do they want this here or up there?" get in the way. i'm alsways asking questions. figureing out how to do it. what do they want me to do. how should i go about doing it. and this is what keeps me here. keeps me sleeping all day and up all night. keeps me not moving, keeps me not living how i want to. but i know i'm capable. i'm human. and human beings are so much more capable than we give ourselves credit for. i believe the really great people know that: johnny cash, the beatles, napolean, alexander the great, jesus, bono. and the thing about these people is they've all started out just like me. at some point they were all small town nobodies, working dead end jobs, living at home, trying to make a living or just living. but what was it? what was the moment, that last straw the broke the back of complacence. i am not comfortably numb, i am the opposite. i am uncomfortably numb. but this can't be where it ends. even though i don't know how, i have to take those steps towards my passion, my goals, my desires and dreams. its a funny things dreams. we have these visions and ideas of what we want to be and we call them dreams as if they're surreal and unatanable. but they're possible. all is possible.